A Shpiel: Persians and Purim

Once there was a wicked, wicked man and Ahmadinejad was his name-o.

In recent years a terrible leader has arisen in Iran by the name of Ahmadinejad. Ahmanutjob (as he is called by Jay Leno) has made numerous threats against Israel and the Jews. Wait a minute, sounds familiar?

Well, if you look in your Megillah in the third chapter of Esther, you’ll find a similar character by the name of Haman. These two men hate Jews and both of them are Persian. So what is it with Persian leaders that makes them so Jew-hating? This article will attempt to discover where the roots of this issue lie.

1)   Crazy names. I know, sounds like a stretch, but both men had odd names for their time period. In an age when people had names like Mordechai, Charvona and Ahasuerus, a two-syllable name would just be insulting and embarrassing, like parents today who name their kids Bronx Mowgli and Pilot Inspektor. Same case with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Who wants to be the only kid in class who has to make the teacher choke, scrape his throat and spit every time he says the name? 

2)   Persian Food. I am sorry, but when were any of us able to stomach an entire dish of saffron rice, marinated eggs and chickpeas in a cholent? Haman stomached three parties at Ahasuerus palace, and the Megillah doesn’t mention the use of a single Pepto Bismol. Ahmadinejad too enjoys many delicacies on a daily basis. TONS of Persian food. Clearly anyone who willingly subjects themselves to that much pain has more serious issues than an iron-clad stomach.

3)   Style. Haman was notorious for his three-cornered hats. Why?! There is no need for a hat with corners. It just looks odd. Ahmadinejad wears suit jackets with an open collar and stuff like that. And yet somehow it all manages to look ugly on him. It’s like wearing orange and pink together.

4)   Form. Not only were his hats triangular, Haman’s ears were triangular. I’d rather cut mine off than listen to the kids in high school say, “Here comes freak ears!” Ahmadinejad has body image issues too. OMG that weirdo has one weird, scruffy beard. I hate it. 

5)   Languages. Haman most likely spoke a dialect of ancient Aramaic. If anyone has ever listened to a Gemara shiur, it’s all Aramaic and you can’t possibly listen to that non-stop. Why couldn’t he just choose one of the other 126 languages of Ahasuerus’ kingdom? And Ahmadinejad insists on speaking Farsi. Why can’t he deliver his UN address in English?

6)   Location, Location, Location. The desert heat of Iran is enough to drive anyone mad.

7)   And last, but not least, plants. Haman created a “tree” (gallows) 50 cubits high to hang Mordechai on. He ended up swinging from it himself. Ahmadinejad has a plant (nuke, that is) of his own and we can only hope it blows up in his face.

Case closed. Chag Sameach.
 

author's bio: 
Noah Abramowitz is a junior at Beth Tfiloh Dahan Community School in Baltimore, MD.

Comments

Submitted by Leah on Wed, 06/20/2012 - 7:23pm

Very amusing. I like it a lot. :)